BAD DAY

Today it's just a bad day for me. Hindi ako maka pagsmile dahil sa sobrang inis ko. It started yesterday. I was so excited to go home para ibalita sa parents ko about a possible new career that a friend told me. My dad just kept silent all the time. No reaction at all. While Mom was hesitant in a way because what will I do daw after one year, since the job will run only for a year. I told her that it's time for me to take a risk because kung hindi pa ngayon, kelan pa. She did not say No or Yes. I guess, she left it with me whatever decision I will make as long as sisiguraduhin ko na may trabaho ako after a year pag matapos na yung contract. So now, I'm quite confused again.

Muntik na naman kami mag argue dahil sa bar exam na yan. Which made me came to a decision that I will only take the bar exam when I am already capable of supporting myself. Ang hirap na umaasa ka sa iba dahil baka in the end sumbatan ka lang ng mga tao. Of course, I understand the situation of my parents. We are not wealthy in the first place. Sariling kayod talaga. Kaya nga I am taking a big step of transferring work for me to be able to save a liitle for my future and for my family.

So I just ended the conversation with a realization that if ever I will push true with this decision, I will prove to my parents that this is worth the risk. Naging mas mahirap na tuloy ngayon kasi parang hindi naman 100% yung support nila. Bahala na si Batman.

And what added to that sad feeling is the fact na may nalaman na naman ako na issue. Makainis. To think kapamilya mo pa sila tapos sila pa ang gagawa sayo ng ganyan.

And here comes another person na nag enlighten sa akin to make a big step. I kept on calling. From 7:35 of July 13 and 12:15 of July 14. Wala man lang ni isang sagot o kahit text man lang na hindi makapagsagot ng call.

and I can't continue this anymore... sh*t!

Backseat

Barely four months after we got official, you told me you needed space because you were unsure of your feelings. You wanted to be fair with me because I don't deserve to be treated less. You said it was the best thing to do because hurting me was the last thing you ever wanted to do. You wanted to be sure of your feelings for me.So you asked for a moment for yourself.

It was Independence Day barely two months before we celebrate our first anniversary when you asked for space. You told me how complicated your life was and you don't know where exactly you're going to. You said that you don't really know what love is and that you're confused again. You said that there's nothing wrong with me. It's just about you. I begged you to stay with me for many times but you insisted that to let you go was the best thing to do at that moment. You told me that you've tried to love me with all that you have but you've realized that maybe it wasn't enough for you to stay with me. I had no choice but to give in to your request. I can't do anything anymore at that time but to give you your freedom. I even asked you if setting you free could make you happy and when you said yes, even if it was hurting me to hell, I had no choice but to let you go. I gave you your freedom and you took away whatever was left in me. You broke up with me on the day our family had to move out from our house because we were hit by a flood. Do you know that feeling while crossing the street with dirty water that you just wanted to get drown in the water so that you can divert the pain that you're feeling. It was my first official heartbreak. I didn't know what to do with my life. I was not prepared. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. And all I could do was just ask myself what went wrong. I was living my life back then hoping that I could eventually survive the pain that the break up have caused me. 

Even before the break up, we have already made plans that I'm going to visit you in Cebu City. The trip was planned 3 months ahead and it was planned together with my bestfriend. So even if we were not okey, I continued with the planned trip not knowing what really to expect. I wasn't expecting anything from you. I was even thinking that maybe that trip could give us the perfect time to decide whether there could still be a chance for us to be together again or if we decide that there's no more chance of being together again. I could still remember that flight from Davao to Cebu. It was the longest one hour of my life. My bestfriend could even attest to this. I was crying on the plane and my knees were shaking and I felt so weak. Even if I have already prepared myself for the situation, the truth was, I WASN'T ready to let you go and I was just convincing myself that I am open to whatever was going to happen then. But I am not. 

But the situation had its twist. Days before the trip you kept on pushing me away but as I arrived in Cebu, we were inseparable. Yes, you missed me and that you were just keeping that to yourself. You told me that you had to break up with me because you were so confused, stressed and pressured with your life. You needed time, long time, to think things over and figure out what you really wanted in your life. So we decided to be together. The day my best friend and I left Cebu was our first anniv.♥ 

Now I wondered what if I did not pursue with that trip, would there be a reconciliation? 

It was two days after Christmas Eve when you've given me that cold treatment again. You've avoided my calls and didn't reply to my texts. If ever you would reply to my texts, it was very unusual of you. I didn't know what was really going on because we were together for an early Christmas vacation and we were so happy then. So what went wrong again? I was so helpless because I did not know what was the problem again.You were consistently ignoring me and it was nearly New Year's Eve. 

New Year came and you were still ignoring me. It was a new year, a happy welcome supposedly, but a very hurting year to start with for me.

One night we had the opportunity to talk over the phone. You told me that there's no other important thing for you at that moment in your life but to find a stable job. So I've figured out again the problem. Again, I have to take a backseat in your life because again, I was not your priority, not even part of the least priorities. Again. Again. Again.

But even if we were not that okay, I still planned for a surprised gift for our 17th. It was my second scrapbook gift to you. This time, I included the pictures of the recent activities you've had-Bar Exam, Batch Reachout, Batchmate's Wedding, Christmas Vacation, etc.etc. I was sick when I made it but I did not mind it. I really wanted to give you that gift. It took me until dawn to finish it but I did not complain because I had to send it by mail the very next day early in the morning before the cut off time. All I wanted was to make you feel that someone is always thinking of you. I wanted to make you smile and make you feel better. That even if your life is being put to test, again, there's someone who continues to care for you and I am just here to make you feel loved and wanted. 


Then you received the gift just the time I expected you to receive it. I was sick, absent from the office, alone in my room, still hurting and at the same time happy and fulfilled. Then we had the chance to talk. You told me that your focus at that time was to find a job. You have decided to take a hiatus from our relationship because it would be impractical and unreasonable to pursue a relationship when you're not yet stable. "Lovelife" is not a priority. So I took a backseat. 


By then, all I could do is to patiently wait for you again for the day that you'd come back to me. So while I was taking a backseat from your life, I thought of helping you out. Finding jobs online, everywhere.. And then a friend informed you of a possible job opportunity. As always, I gave you my full support.  I was happy and very excited for you. I didn't think much of what will happen to us. At that time, all I know is that I wanted you to pursue your dreams, your goals, your aspirations. I thought that helping you and supporting you will make you happy and eventually I will benefit from that because if ever you find a job, then you will be able to regain your self confidence. And by then maybe you can come back to me and pursue me again. I was praying so hard because more than the benefit I could get from that, I wanted you to be fulfilled. I wanted you to believe in yourself. I wanted you to be happy. More than my happiness, I wanted you to find your success and all the desires of your heart to come true.


You did not get the job. You were sad and disappointed because you wanted it so much but maybe it wasn't for you. I wanted to hug you but the distance between us really sucks. I wanted to be there. I wanted to comfort you and make you feel better. I was also sad but I didn't show it. Instead, I told you that we're not going to stop to try other opportunities. So we went on job hunting. Until another opportunity came.


It was a job you least wanted. A job you did not really imagine yourself to be doing, but a very challenging one. We were both happy and excited. I am the proud GF. Yes I am. Even until now, I am very much. If I'm just near you, I could really be a stage GF. Then we made an agreement that I will be there to support you and offered you all the help that I can. You've constantly asked for my ideas and you welcomed them. You've consulted me if your plans were okay. I was sharing with you my past experiences when I also did a job like that before and indeed we were really having good conversations every night. I was always looking forward with your stories every night about how your experience went during the day as well as the trials and hardships you went through.


You were always tired and I totally understand that.You were complaining that it was a real tough job and I was just there to constantly remind you that no job in this world is not tiring. Because every centavo that we earned really entails a hard work but if you love what you're doing then it doesn't matter how tired it can be.


Days went by and I've noticed that you're not answering my calls and texts, again! At first, it was okay with me because I just thought that you were just so damn tired that you can't anymore manage to do other things.


But the days of no communication continued and my "woman's instinct" whispered to me that something is going wrong. Again. 


It was one Saturday evening when I tried to call you and fortunately you picked up the phone. You were okay but not really that okay. So again, I was braved enough to ask if there's a problem. You said that you're so busy with your work You wanted to have a focus with your career now and you don't think that to be a boyfriend at the same time is going to be a good idea. You told me that you're going through a lot of challenges in your life again. I told you I'm there to help you and in reply told me that you know for the fact that I will always be there but as much as you would want to ask for my help, you know that it's only you who can solve your problem and it's only you alone who can better deal with your issues..Then I became braver. I asked you if you still need me in your life because if my presence is aggravating your worries then I don't think it's still a good idea for me to stay. I couldn't forget what you told me. You said that you will always be with me. It won't change and it's not that you don't need me because you will always do. It's just that again, I am not on the list of your priorities. What's new?


So again, I am taking a backseat for the nth time. 


No goodbyes. You still want me but I have to understand that I cannot be a part of your life now. Twas okay with me. I understand the situation. I always do.


But I've also reached that point when I asked myself, "What's wrong with me?" Why do you have to always give up on me "temporarily" when things go wrong with your life? Am I supposed to be the person whom you'll be needing when your life is in chaos with your "wants and hopes"? Why do you always have to set me aside when your life gets tough? Am I an enemy? When is enough, enough? 


Why do I have to always take a backseat? Again. Again. 

Remembering the Queen City of the South

You were in Cebu for your Bar Review at UP and I was sent by the office to attend a Legal Education Seminar. Maybe it was really fate that brought us together. We were together for almost a week and that was the longest that we were able to have each other than the usual one or two days.

More than just seeing you, I was very excited to play the girlfriend duties even for a week. During our conversations, we would imagine the things that we will do for each other if only distance was never an issue. Like preparing for your things, dropping by at your pad to brought you some merienda and dinner, cleaning your pad, changing your pillow cases and fixing your clothes. These are just few of the things which I really wanted to do ever since but because of our set-up (LDR), I could not. So it was a week of catching up, “dates”, pampering each other, endless chika, bar review tips, meeting with friends, dining and the list goes on.

Here are some of the precious moments that we have shared a year ago. There were so many stories to tell. So many memories to share. Looking back on the adventure that we’ve had last year makes me want to see you and be with you. Soon. We will definitely include Cebu as our “must” destination.

At Jollibee SM Cebu--- We had dinner with my nephew and niece. They were like my own children so it was very important for me that I get to introduce to them their Tito Ogie. While having our dinner, I called up Mama and you also got the chance to talk to her. It was brief but very memorable. 

Our movie tickets. After dinner, we had our date at the SM Cinema. I beg that we watched In the Name of Love but you were really not a fan of tagalong movies. So again, you won. I forgot the title of that movie basta it was a 3D Movie. Hehehe

Aside from being with the company of your lovey, it is always best to complement it with pop corns…

Another dinner date at the Moon Café in Ayala Cebu... Smile kahit gutom na!

Moon Cafe's Best Seller--- Pork Steak, Chicken Mozzarella Melt and Los Cabos 

Grabeng pilit ko dito (again) to have a souvenir pic at the Moon Café. 

What’s that in your right hand by the way? hehehe

The Road is Long--- Smile naman jan...

Wala Lang... hehehe

Gelatissimo---Yum Yum!

'Cause everytime we touch, I get this feeling.And everytime we kiss I swear I could fly.Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last.Need you by my side.
'Cause everytime we touch, I feel the static.And everytime we kiss, I reach for the sky.Can't you hear my heart beat so...I can't let you go.Want you in my life.

Alberto's Pizza treat by Kuya Owninz

On our way to eat Cebu lechon. My Kuya Niño and my former kuya turned lover....

At the IT Park... From L-R: Kuya Niño, Ogie, Me, Ruby and Dominic

at Casa Verde... 

I demanded for this pic.. hehehe...

Drinking Session at Figola, IT Park

His and Hers---Before going back to Cotabato,
he gave me a gift---that one in my wrist. 



And the adventures continue...

My Favorite Guardian Angel

She was funny, smart, sweet, friendly and very opinionated. She's one person who I know can eat fried eggs in breakfast, lunch and dinner. Her favorite merienda in school- Chuckie and Piattos. 

If she had an FB account, I'm sure she had twice the number of my friends. She was the queen of my father's eyes. I was only second to the throne. She was the biggest gift we ever had after 11 years of just having papa-mama-and-me. She's our biggest heartbreak but nevertheless our angel.

If she's around now, I bet she'd be complaining that she has to wear a gown with her hair and make up done for the JS Prom. hehehe. She would complain all the girly stuff I would oblige her. 

Wherever you are, we love you so much and you will always be my one and only favorite little sister!♥♥♥ 

Cousins For Layp!

We share the same last name for the reason that our fathers are brothers. We were always present at each other's birthday parties and other family gatherings. Almost every Sunday, we would go to the beach, play with the sands and waves and get ourselves tanned. HAHAHA. I remember when we were dalagas na and we didn't like so much our skin complexion. That made me realized that kasalanan din natin because when we were younger ang takaw takaw natin sa tubig. Pagdating na pagdating swimming na agad at aahon lang sa tubig pag pauwi na tapos parang galit pa tayo pag uwian na. Beacuse we can't get enough of the water. Dah lage, tan-awa ang kutis porselana. hehehe. 

We also had our shares of fights. I guess they were just really petty but I remember Gina (Love2x) and I had a physical encounter because of our bully kuyas. hehehe.. It's so funny to think that even before Pacquiao came, tayo ang nauna sa kanya sa galing natin umatack at dumipensa sa boxing.. hehehe. Oh memories of childhood. Not knowing that years after we will really become friends.

During our vacations in Cebu (our fathers' hometown), we always look forward to attending disco during fiesta and play at the peryahan. When in the city, eat our favorite Alberto’s Pizza, laag-laag and shopping (kung may pera). But hindi pwedeng mawala ang lots of kwentuhan and tawanan.

                                   

And the list of experiences goes on. I guess we are really destined to be cousins and friends for life.

  

Time is not just our friend this time

Don't expect too much. Though hindi naman talaga ako nag expect pero I must admit tat there was a little hope. Before nangyari na sa atin na hindi natin plinano pero yung pagkakataon na ang naglapit sa atin. And I thought for the second time, this will happen again. I don't want to think any negative thoughts kasi alam ko naman ano talaga ang mas importante sa ngayon and kung ano ang focus mo. Pero nakakalungkot lang kasi... it could really have been a chance na hindi natin plinano pero mangyayari lang. Haays. :(

I so wanted to be there on your interview. Bring you some snacks and wait for you until you're done. But unfortunately, hindi tayo magkikita. I'll be there by tomorrow and leave on Sunday and you'll be there either on Monday or anytime next week. Sayang!  

It has always been a tough decision ang pagkikita natin. I understand we don't have plans yet of seeing each other kaya na-excite lang talaga ako nung inisip ko na pwede naman tayong magkita. But hindi pa rin pala.

I don't want to elaborate the details. I am sad but I understand. Better luck next time. 

For our monthsary, I gave him a message through a video with the help of my good friend Hero.

The background music was Lionel Richie's The Only One. I chose the song because the song was able to capture everything that I wanted to tell him. The song's just so perfect for us.

Let me tell you now

All that's on my mind.

For a love like yours.

Is oh, so very hard to find.

I've looked inside myself.

Now I'm very sure.

There can only be, you for me.

I need you more and more....

You, turned me inside out and you showed me.

What life was about.

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

I wanna do all I can, just to show you.

Make you understand.

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

When you're in my arms.

When I'm close to you.

There's a magic in your touch.

That just comes shining through.

Want you everyday.

Want you every night.

There can only be, you for me.

You make it seem so right.

Oh, girl, cause.....

You, turned me inside out and you showed me.

What life was about.

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

In my mind, there's no other love.

You're the only girl my heart and soul is thinking of.

Only you, only me.

There can never ever be another.

That understands the way that I feel inside,

Cause....

You,turned me inside out and you showed me.

What life was about.

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

Yeah, you, turned me inside out and you showed me

What life was about.

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

(you stole my heart away)

You stole it. (you stole my heart away)

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

Yeah you, (you stole my heart away)

Oh you stole it, ( you stole my heart away)

Only you, the only one that stole my heart away.

You stole my heart away.

Stole it, (you stole my heart away)

Only you baby, the only one that stole my heart away.

Kalungkutan

In a few months from now I will be turning 27. Gosh, I never thought time flies this fast. I woke up this morning and realized that "oh God, I'm not getting any younger". Another 3 to 4 years and as what many would say, "lampas na sa kalendaryo ang edad mo". =( hehehe

Lucky for others who have ended 2011 and started 2012 with full of smiles. Unfortunately in my case it was the other way around. i had to deal with a serious heart problem--- not just about love life but also with my career. You know that feeling when you are neglected, unappreciated, sometimes unloved, and that feeling when you just couldn't absorb everything. It's like you've been doing it for years and woke up one day and realized that you're not happy anymore. Yes, I've been dealing with some frustrations. I thought I was just fine but actually I'm not. For the last year, I was just convincing myself that this is how I want my life to be. I never thought that I will ever reach this point. I'm sad. I'm bored. There's just so many broken and unfulfilled dreams at the meantime. 

Have you ever reached that point when you have been doing your best but your best isn't good enough.You're trying to be happy but the truth is your not. Fed up. I think that's the word. 

Then, I have reached that point when I don't want to talk anymore. Instantly, I wanted Silence to be my best friend. I got tired of talking too much, explaining to almost everyone why I can't just even fake a smile. It's because there's just so much pain in my heart. Questions have remain unanswered. My faith is shaking. My life is dull. Yes, I have reached that point. But I tell you it just happened, not even in my intentions. I used to believe that I am a person gifted with optimism. I grew up believing that life is a mixture of happiness and sufferings and having a big faith will make me overcome whatever trials that come my way. Until one day, I lost that Optimism. 

I couldn't run to my parents because I grew up telling myself that I have to be strong for them. I don't want them to worry about me. Although I believe in the so called 'mother's instinct' but still I tried my very best to conceal whatever hurts I have. 

I don't even know how to end this because until now I couldn't completely say that I'm just fine because the struggle continues. But if there's one good thing that happened in my life lately, it''s the stronger faith I have with God. Although everything may fail but with God, nothing fails. He is my refuge and with Him i find peace, solace and comfort. God gives me strength and unconditional love. And I continue to pray for Healing. I am praying that I may be able to get whatever that I truly deserve. And if God decides not to give me all the desires of my heart, I pray for the gift of Acceptance---that I may be able to accept defeats, heartaches and failures. 

I just hope that whatever sadness and fear in my heart will fade away soon. After all I don't really wish to be the richest person on earth... but I just want to be happy. I just want to love and be loved.

Waig is L♥ve