Kalungkutan

In a few months from now I will be turning 27. Gosh, I never thought time flies this fast. I woke up this morning and realized that "oh God, I'm not getting any younger". Another 3 to 4 years and as what many would say, "lampas na sa kalendaryo ang edad mo". =( hehehe

Lucky for others who have ended 2011 and started 2012 with full of smiles. Unfortunately in my case it was the other way around. i had to deal with a serious heart problem--- not just about love life but also with my career. You know that feeling when you are neglected, unappreciated, sometimes unloved, and that feeling when you just couldn't absorb everything. It's like you've been doing it for years and woke up one day and realized that you're not happy anymore. Yes, I've been dealing with some frustrations. I thought I was just fine but actually I'm not. For the last year, I was just convincing myself that this is how I want my life to be. I never thought that I will ever reach this point. I'm sad. I'm bored. There's just so many broken and unfulfilled dreams at the meantime. 

Have you ever reached that point when you have been doing your best but your best isn't good enough.You're trying to be happy but the truth is your not. Fed up. I think that's the word. 

Then, I have reached that point when I don't want to talk anymore. Instantly, I wanted Silence to be my best friend. I got tired of talking too much, explaining to almost everyone why I can't just even fake a smile. It's because there's just so much pain in my heart. Questions have remain unanswered. My faith is shaking. My life is dull. Yes, I have reached that point. But I tell you it just happened, not even in my intentions. I used to believe that I am a person gifted with optimism. I grew up believing that life is a mixture of happiness and sufferings and having a big faith will make me overcome whatever trials that come my way. Until one day, I lost that Optimism. 

I couldn't run to my parents because I grew up telling myself that I have to be strong for them. I don't want them to worry about me. Although I believe in the so called 'mother's instinct' but still I tried my very best to conceal whatever hurts I have. 

I don't even know how to end this because until now I couldn't completely say that I'm just fine because the struggle continues. But if there's one good thing that happened in my life lately, it''s the stronger faith I have with God. Although everything may fail but with God, nothing fails. He is my refuge and with Him i find peace, solace and comfort. God gives me strength and unconditional love. And I continue to pray for Healing. I am praying that I may be able to get whatever that I truly deserve. And if God decides not to give me all the desires of my heart, I pray for the gift of Acceptance---that I may be able to accept defeats, heartaches and failures. 

I just hope that whatever sadness and fear in my heart will fade away soon. After all I don't really wish to be the richest person on earth... but I just want to be happy. I just want to love and be loved.