Barely four months after we got official, you told me you needed space because you were unsure of your feelings. You wanted to be fair with me because I don't deserve to be treated less. You said it was the best thing to do because hurting me was the last thing you ever wanted to do. You wanted to be sure of your feelings for me.So you asked for a moment for yourself.
It was Independence Day barely two months before we celebrate our first anniversary when you asked for space. You told me how complicated your life was and you don't know where exactly you're going to. You said that you don't really know what love is and that you're confused again. You said that there's nothing wrong with me. It's just about you. I begged you to stay with me for many times but you insisted that to let you go was the best thing to do at that moment. You told me that you've tried to love me with all that you have but you've realized that maybe it wasn't enough for you to stay with me. I had no choice but to give in to your request. I can't do anything anymore at that time but to give you your freedom. I even asked you if setting you free could make you happy and when you said yes, even if it was hurting me to hell, I had no choice but to let you go. I gave you your freedom and you took away whatever was left in me. You broke up with me on the day our family had to move out from our house because we were hit by a flood. Do you know that feeling while crossing the street with dirty water that you just wanted to get drown in the water so that you can divert the pain that you're feeling. It was my first official heartbreak. I didn't know what to do with my life. I was not prepared. I couldn't figure out what went wrong. And all I could do was just ask myself what went wrong. I was living my life back then hoping that I could eventually survive the pain that the break up have caused me.
Even before the break up, we have already made plans that I'm going to visit you in Cebu City. The trip was planned 3 months ahead and it was planned together with my bestfriend. So even if we were not okey, I continued with the planned trip not knowing what really to expect. I wasn't expecting anything from you. I was even thinking that maybe that trip could give us the perfect time to decide whether there could still be a chance for us to be together again or if we decide that there's no more chance of being together again. I could still remember that flight from Davao to Cebu. It was the longest one hour of my life. My bestfriend could even attest to this. I was crying on the plane and my knees were shaking and I felt so weak. Even if I have already prepared myself for the situation, the truth was, I WASN'T ready to let you go and I was just convincing myself that I am open to whatever was going to happen then. But I am not.
But the situation had its twist. Days before the trip you kept on pushing me away but as I arrived in Cebu, we were inseparable. Yes, you missed me and that you were just keeping that to yourself. You told me that you had to break up with me because you were so confused, stressed and pressured with your life. You needed time, long time, to think things over and figure out what you really wanted in your life. So we decided to be together. The day my best friend and I left Cebu was our first anniv.♥
Now I wondered what if I did not pursue with that trip, would there be a reconciliation?
It was two days after Christmas Eve when you've given me that cold treatment again. You've avoided my calls and didn't reply to my texts. If ever you would reply to my texts, it was very unusual of you. I didn't know what was really going on because we were together for an early Christmas vacation and we were so happy then. So what went wrong again? I was so helpless because I did not know what was the problem again.You were consistently ignoring me and it was nearly New Year's Eve.
New Year came and you were still ignoring me. It was a new year, a happy welcome supposedly, but a very hurting year to start with for me.
One night we had the opportunity to talk over the phone. You told me that there's no other important thing for you at that moment in your life but to find a stable job. So I've figured out again the problem. Again, I have to take a backseat in your life because again, I was not your priority, not even part of the least priorities. Again. Again. Again.
But even if we were not that okay, I still planned for a surprised gift for our 17th. It was my second scrapbook gift to you. This time, I included the pictures of the recent activities you've had-Bar Exam, Batch Reachout, Batchmate's Wedding, Christmas Vacation, etc.etc. I was sick when I made it but I did not mind it. I really wanted to give you that gift. It took me until dawn to finish it but I did not complain because I had to send it by mail the very next day early in the morning before the cut off time. All I wanted was to make you feel that someone is always thinking of you. I wanted to make you smile and make you feel better. That even if your life is being put to test, again, there's someone who continues to care for you and I am just here to make you feel loved and wanted.
Then you received the gift just the time I expected you to receive it. I was sick, absent from the office, alone in my room, still hurting and at the same time happy and fulfilled. Then we had the chance to talk. You told me that your focus at that time was to find a job. You have decided to take a hiatus from our relationship because it would be impractical and unreasonable to pursue a relationship when you're not yet stable. "Lovelife" is not a priority. So I took a backseat.
By then, all I could do is to patiently wait for you again for the day that you'd come back to me. So while I was taking a backseat from your life, I thought of helping you out. Finding jobs online, everywhere.. And then a friend informed you of a possible job opportunity. As always, I gave you my full support. I was happy and very excited for you. I didn't think much of what will happen to us. At that time, all I know is that I wanted you to pursue your dreams, your goals, your aspirations. I thought that helping you and supporting you will make you happy and eventually I will benefit from that because if ever you find a job, then you will be able to regain your self confidence. And by then maybe you can come back to me and pursue me again. I was praying so hard because more than the benefit I could get from that, I wanted you to be fulfilled. I wanted you to believe in yourself. I wanted you to be happy. More than my happiness, I wanted you to find your success and all the desires of your heart to come true.
You did not get the job. You were sad and disappointed because you wanted it so much but maybe it wasn't for you. I wanted to hug you but the distance between us really sucks. I wanted to be there. I wanted to comfort you and make you feel better. I was also sad but I didn't show it. Instead, I told you that we're not going to stop to try other opportunities. So we went on job hunting. Until another opportunity came.
It was a job you least wanted. A job you did not really imagine yourself to be doing, but a very challenging one. We were both happy and excited. I am the proud GF. Yes I am. Even until now, I am very much. If I'm just near you, I could really be a stage GF. Then we made an agreement that I will be there to support you and offered you all the help that I can. You've constantly asked for my ideas and you welcomed them. You've consulted me if your plans were okay. I was sharing with you my past experiences when I also did a job like that before and indeed we were really having good conversations every night. I was always looking forward with your stories every night about how your experience went during the day as well as the trials and hardships you went through.
You were always tired and I totally understand that.You were complaining that it was a real tough job and I was just there to constantly remind you that no job in this world is not tiring. Because every centavo that we earned really entails a hard work but if you love what you're doing then it doesn't matter how tired it can be.
Days went by and I've noticed that you're not answering my calls and texts, again! At first, it was okay with me because I just thought that you were just so damn tired that you can't anymore manage to do other things.
But the days of no communication continued and my "woman's instinct" whispered to me that something is going wrong. Again.
It was one Saturday evening when I tried to call you and fortunately you picked up the phone. You were okay but not really that okay. So again, I was braved enough to ask if there's a problem. You said that you're so busy with your work You wanted to have a focus with your career now and you don't think that to be a boyfriend at the same time is going to be a good idea. You told me that you're going through a lot of challenges in your life again. I told you I'm there to help you and in reply told me that you know for the fact that I will always be there but as much as you would want to ask for my help, you know that it's only you who can solve your problem and it's only you alone who can better deal with your issues..Then I became braver. I asked you if you still need me in your life because if my presence is aggravating your worries then I don't think it's still a good idea for me to stay. I couldn't forget what you told me. You said that you will always be with me. It won't change and it's not that you don't need me because you will always do. It's just that again, I am not on the list of your priorities. What's new?
So again, I am taking a backseat for the nth time.
No goodbyes. You still want me but I have to understand that I cannot be a part of your life now. Twas okay with me. I understand the situation. I always do.
But I've also reached that point when I asked myself, "What's wrong with me?" Why do you have to always give up on me "temporarily" when things go wrong with your life? Am I supposed to be the person whom you'll be needing when your life is in chaos with your "wants and hopes"? Why do you always have to set me aside when your life gets tough? Am I an enemy? When is enough, enough?
Why do I have to always take a backseat? Again. Again.
Then you received the gift just the time I expected you to receive it. I was sick, absent from the office, alone in my room, still hurting and at the same time happy and fulfilled. Then we had the chance to talk. You told me that your focus at that time was to find a job. You have decided to take a hiatus from our relationship because it would be impractical and unreasonable to pursue a relationship when you're not yet stable. "Lovelife" is not a priority. So I took a backseat.
By then, all I could do is to patiently wait for you again for the day that you'd come back to me. So while I was taking a backseat from your life, I thought of helping you out. Finding jobs online, everywhere.. And then a friend informed you of a possible job opportunity. As always, I gave you my full support. I was happy and very excited for you. I didn't think much of what will happen to us. At that time, all I know is that I wanted you to pursue your dreams, your goals, your aspirations. I thought that helping you and supporting you will make you happy and eventually I will benefit from that because if ever you find a job, then you will be able to regain your self confidence. And by then maybe you can come back to me and pursue me again. I was praying so hard because more than the benefit I could get from that, I wanted you to be fulfilled. I wanted you to believe in yourself. I wanted you to be happy. More than my happiness, I wanted you to find your success and all the desires of your heart to come true.
You did not get the job. You were sad and disappointed because you wanted it so much but maybe it wasn't for you. I wanted to hug you but the distance between us really sucks. I wanted to be there. I wanted to comfort you and make you feel better. I was also sad but I didn't show it. Instead, I told you that we're not going to stop to try other opportunities. So we went on job hunting. Until another opportunity came.
It was a job you least wanted. A job you did not really imagine yourself to be doing, but a very challenging one. We were both happy and excited. I am the proud GF. Yes I am. Even until now, I am very much. If I'm just near you, I could really be a stage GF. Then we made an agreement that I will be there to support you and offered you all the help that I can. You've constantly asked for my ideas and you welcomed them. You've consulted me if your plans were okay. I was sharing with you my past experiences when I also did a job like that before and indeed we were really having good conversations every night. I was always looking forward with your stories every night about how your experience went during the day as well as the trials and hardships you went through.
You were always tired and I totally understand that.You were complaining that it was a real tough job and I was just there to constantly remind you that no job in this world is not tiring. Because every centavo that we earned really entails a hard work but if you love what you're doing then it doesn't matter how tired it can be.
Days went by and I've noticed that you're not answering my calls and texts, again! At first, it was okay with me because I just thought that you were just so damn tired that you can't anymore manage to do other things.
But the days of no communication continued and my "woman's instinct" whispered to me that something is going wrong. Again.
It was one Saturday evening when I tried to call you and fortunately you picked up the phone. You were okay but not really that okay. So again, I was braved enough to ask if there's a problem. You said that you're so busy with your work You wanted to have a focus with your career now and you don't think that to be a boyfriend at the same time is going to be a good idea. You told me that you're going through a lot of challenges in your life again. I told you I'm there to help you and in reply told me that you know for the fact that I will always be there but as much as you would want to ask for my help, you know that it's only you who can solve your problem and it's only you alone who can better deal with your issues..Then I became braver. I asked you if you still need me in your life because if my presence is aggravating your worries then I don't think it's still a good idea for me to stay. I couldn't forget what you told me. You said that you will always be with me. It won't change and it's not that you don't need me because you will always do. It's just that again, I am not on the list of your priorities. What's new?
So again, I am taking a backseat for the nth time.
No goodbyes. You still want me but I have to understand that I cannot be a part of your life now. Twas okay with me. I understand the situation. I always do.
But I've also reached that point when I asked myself, "What's wrong with me?" Why do you have to always give up on me "temporarily" when things go wrong with your life? Am I supposed to be the person whom you'll be needing when your life is in chaos with your "wants and hopes"? Why do you always have to set me aside when your life gets tough? Am I an enemy? When is enough, enough?
Why do I have to always take a backseat? Again. Again.
